Bittersweet Sunset

When someone you dearly love is in pain, all you can hope and pray for is that the pain would end. When Jesus waits 'til the other side of Heaven to answer that prayer, even when you're expecting it that way, it's never easy for those left behind.

My Grandma passed away this week. I had been praying daily that her suffering would cease and that Jesus would meet her where she was and lead her to Paradise with Him. I prayed that prayer only hours before I heard the news. Even still, it didn't take away the sadness or the sense of loss. Despite the relief I feel for the end of a season of suffering, I grieve with my family for the passing of a dearly beloved woman.

I will always treasure the memories I have of spending time with my Grandparents. Riding in Grandpa's pickup, squished between the gear shifter and my older brother. The shocked look on Grandma's face when I dumped the entire cup of brown sugar on my oatmeal - the sugar she had meant for all of us to share. Eating fresh peas in Grandpa's garden. The smell of leather and spearmint gum in Grandma's car. I'm sure a million other memories will be dusted off and sifted through as my family and I spend time working our way through Grandma and Grandpa's house over the next few weeks.

For now, I take comfort in the arms of my Savior and friend. I am reminded that He is with me, even to the ends of the earth, and that His thoughts about me are precious. As much as I loved my Grandparents, the Lord loves them with an even greater kind of love than we can ever know. So, as much as I pray that they are in Paradise with Him today, I can trust that Jesus pulled out ALL the stops to ensure their salvation before their passing. I look forward to seeing those in my family who've passed before me, again one day.

Beauty

Today at church I met a woman named Ann. It was one of those times Pastor Brett asks us all to "say hi to 20 or 30 people, and then you can be seated," and we all look nervously around for a few hands to dutifully shake before the sermon begins. When I turned around and made eye contact with Ann, I was awestruck with the look I saw in her eyes. She's one of those women who just exudes the love and presence of the Lord, just in her very being. Her eyes sparkle and her smile makes you feel warm. I know, sounds silly and cliche, right? But this is the kind of person who created the cliche in the first place. We introduced ourselves and shook hands, and her smile and shining eyes held just a few moments longer than you usually expect when meeting a total stranger, even at church. After the sermon, when I stood up to leave, she touched my shoulder and smiled again and told me to have a wonderful day. She remembered my name, and I, hers. We chatted about how she is visiting from Philadelphia and will be staying through the end of the month. It's funny because nothing extraordinary was said during our brief conversation, though I walked away feeling completely blessed and better for having met Ann. I pray God will continue to live and grow in me, that one day someone may see Him so evidently and tangibly as I did today.

Realizing my Lack of Trust

Today has been sort of rough. It started out just fine, as I woke up to sunshine and blue skies. I laid in bed for a while and just thought about the blessings in my life, thanking God for all He has done in, through, and for me. Then I started to think about what I needed to get done today, and formulating a list for myself. I got up, let the cat in, and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my Bible and settled in for a little while to see what the Lord might want to show me first thing. I’ve just finished Joshua, and am not quite sure which book to choose next for my devotional reading. I decided to fall back on my old standby, Proverbs. Today is the 31st of January, so I began to leaf through the well-worn (well-loved, I like to think) pages of my trusty New Living Translation. My eyes fell upon the numbers “31” and I began to read. Hmm, this seems different than usual, I thought to myself. My eyes flicked to the top of the page, and I realized I’d stopped one book short of Proverbs and I was actually reading Psalm chapter 31. I started to turn the page to move into the book I had intended to read, but then thought twice about that. You see, the words I had read in just the first verse really drew me in. I don’t have to read Proverbs, I thought. So, against tradition, my eyes fell back upon the 31st chapter of the Psalms and I continued reading. This is a Psalm of rescue, reconciliation, and rest. Certainly three things I am thankful for, and could always use a reminder about.

Fast forward a few hours into my day, past breakfast, a quick cleaning spree, and getting ready for my day. I had printed out a recipe for a new soup I’ve been wanting to try and was all set to start cooking, when an obnoxious racquet begins pulsating through the walls of the house. What on earth?! I opened my door to confirm my suspicions, and was instantly met with a pounding bass line, irritating electronically-created sounds, and the strained vocals of none other than Britney Spears. Okay, now understand that the only person supposedly in the house at the time is my 57 year old father. My first terrified thought was that someone had broken in and, assuming no one was home, decided to crank up the stereo as he (or she) happily loaded all of our earthly possessions into a van parked out front. A quick peek out the window dispelled that theory. No van. I cautiously crept down the stairs, the offending “music” (can you call it that?) growing ever louder as I made my way closer to the source – the protesting speakers. Now, being the street-wise, um, country girl that I am… Scratch that. Okay, so I brought my laundry basket down with me for protection. Hey, it was full of dirty towels! I could have thrown one on the intruder’s head, temporarily blinding him as I threw the basket into his stomach and stomped on his feet… right? As I fantasized about such illogical means of self-defense, I was blindsided by a white object flying at me from the left! It was… a towel.

My dad, seeing my laundry basket and an opportunity for convenience, tossed his towel into my basket as he walked by, whistling along with Britney. You guessed it. No van, no intruder, and no need for an elaborate and brilliantly-executed plan of defense, a la Home Alone.

“What are you listening to?” I quizzically asked my dad.

“Huh?” he shouted back.

“WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!” I attempted again, not quite completely drown-out by a Jamaican-sounding man and a reggae beat. My dad just smiled, turned the corner, and resumed his whistling. Completely dumfounded, I proceeded to the laundry room to wash my sheets. And my dad’s towel.

After the initial shock of this very strange revelation began to wear off, the realization that the walls in my bedroom are not nearly thick enough started to set in. I put the clean sheets back on my bed, fluffed the pillows, and pulled up my laptop to check on a few things. Turning on my own music did no good, as it simply competed with what was playing downstairs and produced wretchedly clashing rhythms. I really wanted to get started on that soup, but how was I supposed to get in the cooking mood when the whole house was coursing with the lusty sounds of popsters urging me to shake one thing or another? All that was missing was a black light, a bartender, and hundreds of sweaty, oversexed 20-somethings. I was quickly brought back to a time in my life I am not proud of, and wish not to reflect upon. Don’t get me wrong, God and I have sorted through all of these things, and forgiveness and even redemption have taken place as a result. But I am merely human and, unfortunately, as such have the kind of memory that doesn’t mercifully reset itself at the foot of the cross. This is not to say I was suddenly thrown back into that place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. No, nothing that severe. Just that my attitude began to slip from the morning’s high of sunshine and time spent with my Savior.

I needed to get out. Well, one of the things on today’s list was to wash my car. After all, it’s completely filthy and I can barely see from the glare of that lovely sunshine filtering through the layers of road grime caked upon my windshield. I happily grabbed my keys, poured a few ounces of carwash soap into a bucket, and lifted the handle of the water faucet to create a nice, warm, sudsy bath for my car. I pushed the handle back down, and lifted it again. I swiveled it side to side. Nothing. Hmm, dad must have shut off the water to the outside faucet for the cold winter months. Okay, no problem. I’d just fill up inside. In the mean time, I decided to connect the hose and pull my car into the driveway. I unscrewed the Styrofoam cover from the hose faucet and turned the nozzle. Again, nothing. With a deep sigh, I decided to search out my hip-hop father for advice on how to turn the water back on.

After thoroughly searching each and every room in the house, twice, I gave up. About that time, mom walked into my room and excitedly explained to my cat that she brought him a treat. Wheat grass, his favorite. Not three minutes after setting the grass on the ground for my cat to devour, I narrowly missed putting my sock-clad foot into a steaming pile of grass-vomit. Yuck. I cleaned up the mess and began packing things to get out of the house ASAP. On my way into the next room to grab my laptop bag, I again had to dodge a slimy green puddle of feline gastric juices. Double yuck. Thanks, mom.

By this point in my day, I’m pretty sure I had a very black cloud hovering just a few feet above my head. As a last-ditch effort to clean my highly neglected car, I thought I’d grab two buckets and do a sort of sponge bath type carwash. I glanced at the counter where I’d left the bucket with the carwash soap, but it wasn’t there.

“Mom, where’s the blue bucket that was right here?”

“Oh, dad’s using it to wash the windows.”

“But I had carwash soap in there.”

“I wonder if he knew that?” I certainly wasn’t going to stick around to find out. I quickly marched across the courtyard to my car, thunderclouds and all.

“How long are you going to be out?” my mom called after me.

“I don’t know. I’ve gotta get out of here. I can’t handle this anymore,” I snapped back, referring to the horrendous music still blaring from the stereo. Mom said something about me possibly running over to take care of my brother’s dog later on, but I was barely listening at that point. I was quite focused on being anywhere but there.

Speaking of my neglected car, I was about 1800 miles overdue to get my tires rotated. I decided to suck it up and drive to Costco to get it taken care of. Once there, I was told the attendant would call me when my car was ready, in 45 minutes to an hour. I spent about 51 minutes amusing myself by browsing aisles filled with things I cannot imagine anyone thinking they need to buy. A sanitizing light wand? Really? My phone finally began to ring, and the helpful man on the other end told me there was no way they could rotate my tires because the back two are completely burned out. My car was pulled up to the curb, and I walked over to check out how bad my tires really were. After all, I just bought them last year. It’s not like I’m Mario Andretti or anything! I mean, aren’t tires supposed to last at least a few years? I looked down, and my rear tires were almost completely flat. Excuse me?

“Um, do you think I could get some air in those? They’re kinda flat,” I sweetly inquired of the attendant with a smile.

“Oh. Sure. Just pull back around.”

After maneuvering around the stampede of SUV’s swerving every which way throughout the parking lot, I made my way back around to the tire shop, where the young man graciously checked and filled my tires. He told me I should really rotate my tires at least every six to eight thousand miles. I bit my tongue and refrained from telling him I had bought these tires no more than eight thousand miles ago and had them rotated four thousand miles ago. C’est la vie, right?

Thunder clouds rumbling, I sped back to the freeway, contemplating the $400 plus I would have to shell out for a new set of tires in the all-too-near future.

Deciding today would inevitably be a total bust anyway, I headed straight for one of my favorite hideouts, Peet’s Coffee & Tea. I commandeered the entire corner with the only known power outlet in the lobby and set up shop.

One pumpkin muffin, one small double-shot vanilla latte, several Bible verses, and many hours later, I am finally returning to the soothing state of mind I experienced at the very beginning of my day. Why, oh why do I allow the minor annoyances of this life to seep through my skin and into my heart and soul? Why is it so difficult for me to cling tightly to what God promises and is so faithful to deliver on? When will I learn to wait on the Lord and allow Him to lift me up on wings like eagles, soaring high above the filth of the world below?

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
Saying, “You are my God!”
My future is in your hands.
-Psalm 31:14-15

8 Things:

Better late than never, right? :) I've been tagged, so I'll play:

8 Favorite TV Shows:
1. Gray's Anatomy
2. What Not to Wear
3. House Hunters
4. Hannah Montana (stop laughing!)
5. Friends reruns
6. Frasier reruns
7. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
8. Divine Design

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. went to Pilates (ouch! today)
2. grabbed some Peet's coffee and a bear claw pastry at Bridgeport
3. bought ingredients for cozy, wintery soup
4. bought Elf and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to inspire holiday feelings
5. bought Casting Crowns, Bebo Norman, and Relient K's Christmas CD's to evoke further feelings of holiday joy
6. baked an apple pie with apples from our tree out back
7. played guitar / sang worship songs and read from Romans
8. ate soup and apple pie, and watched National Lampoon's

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Panera (mmm, bread and soup)
2. Kylo's in Lincoln City
3. Cheesecake Factory (does anyone NOT like this place??)
4. McCormick & Schmick's
5. Bellagio's
6. Pix (cause it's all about dessert!)
7. Portland City Grill (can't beat the view)
8. Starbucks - sorry, gotta throw that in cause I eat there at least three times a week :)

8 Favorite Movies:

1. My Girl (it's a sentimental thing)
2. Ratatouille
3. American Beauty (messed up, but brilliant)
4. Top Gun (oh Tom, what happened to you??)
5. The Italian Job
6. Pride and Prejudice
7. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
8. The Money Pit (makes me laugh no matter what)

8 Favorite Bands/Singers

1. Kutless
2. Phil Wickham
3. Shawn McDonald
4. Thousand Foot Krutch
5. Colbie Callait
6. Falling Up
7. Jeremy Camp
8. Barlow Girl

8 Things on My Wish List:

1. short term mission trips
2. travel the world
3. be a virtuous wife and mother
4. play my guitar daily
5. trust the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength
6. have the faith of a mustard seed
7. see my family accept Jesus
8. write a novel

Who I tag next: anyone who happens to read this and hasn't yet done it! :)

Patience

I'm trying something new today. Sitting at a Starbucks using a laptop. Novel, right? I know, but I'm really technologically challenged so for me it's a new and exciting experience. Actually, what really prompted this adventure was me, sitting there typing a really long e-mail to a friend, only to have my computer completely crash. I've never had that happen, and now I'm beginning to understand the frustration. So I stole Mom's laptop and plopped down at my old Starbucks store and am spending the afternoon researching homes and cars. The first I'm excited about, and the second, not so much. I love my little Miata, and really don't want something new. Sure, at times it'd be really nice to have something larger and newer, maybe with seat warmers. And yeah, it'd bring a sense of comfort to know that if I need to jet out into traffic I could depend on my car to accelerate from a dead stop. All this aside, I love my car and am not looking forward to having to part with it.

I have been relatively comfortable lately, which means it's probably time for another big change. I'm loving being able to commit to things outside of work, and also having time for reading and reflecting. My life is so much more fulfilling now that my job is not my entire life. I just had lunch with a good friend who's struggling with the balance between work and life, and it made me so thankful to have that stress all but totally removed from my life. Sure, there are stressful things at work that I deal with, and on occassion those things follow me home. But truly, at the end of the day I am so thankful to be able to go to the gym, hang out with the high schoolers at The Shed, go to Bible study, or just whatever. And I don't know if I'll ever get used to having my entire weekend free! I've considered getting a second part time job to help save for my house, but right now I don't know if that's what the Lord is calling me to do. It would definitely help with finances, but at what expense to my life in general? I'm thinking about helping some of my mom's co-workers out with childcare a few days a month, but am just waiting on the Lord's direction right now.

God has really been showing me how faithful He is, and reminding me to trust Him in all areas of my life. He is faithful to His promises, and He has amazing plans for me. Philippians chapter 4 has been a huge comfort and reminder to me recently. God totally has things under control, and it would be silly to spend my days worrying about tomorrow.

Long Time no Write

I know, it's been quite a while hasn't it? I guess you could say life has been crazy. But, it's all in the hands of the Lord so I really won't complain.

Okay, back-tracking to Mexico... it was an amazing trip! I feel like I got a chance to connect with some of the girls one-on-one, which is more my thing. I was nervous going with such a large group and not even knowing their names, let alone anything about them. The first night at the High School group gave me a chance to see that these kids really have a heart for God, and that's all I needed to confirm His will that I go on the trip. So, even though it was a little slow going at first, there were several points along the way where I was able to have some awesome conversations with the "kiddos" as Eric Dodson calls them. I still refuse to believe that I am 10 years older than these guys. Where did the time go?? Anyway, Micah put together a sweet little blog with a link to TONS of pictures. If you've been down to the Mission before, you'll really enjoy seeing what it looks like today and how all the kids have grown. http://www.accfhighschool.blogspot.com/

Here are a couple of my own:

Ginger the donkey

At the cross...

Lupe and Karina

The new amphitheater at the Mission

The prayer of all the leaders on the way home was that everyone would keep this experience with them as we all fell back into our daily routines in Oregon. That was the prayer of and for my own heart, as I remember that after my last trip down to the Mission I was severely attacked by the enemy upon my return. I can already feel that happening this time around, but this time I'm prepared for it and can recognize it for what it is. Oh, the enemy is tricky, but my God is at least ten steps ahead.

I realized the other day that everything I think I know can change in an instant. I want to say I'm okay with that, but my nature goes against the notion. At the same time, though, I love the idea that you never really know what God has in store for you. But, if you let Him remain in control you'll never be disappointed. So, I can't wait to see where I go from here!

Answered Prayer

God is so awesome! I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I have a really strong feeling that He has been preparing me for this new adventure for quite a while now... I'm helping out with the Athey Creek high school group!! This is terrifying and exciting all at once, and I can't wait to see where it leads. I have a few short weeks to get to know people, and then we're off to The Mission in Mexico! When the offer was thrown my way to help out with the trip, I thought the answer would probably be yes, but wasn't sure. I prayed about it and have gotten confirmation after confirmation from God. The final answer came tonight at The Shed. I was thinking back to the college group trip we took to The Mission in 2004 and the day we were packing up to go home. I was giving one of the full time staff a hug and saying we'd miss everyone, and her words were, "You'll be back." In my mind I didn't see much chance of that happening, but here I am, counting down the days until my return! I'm so excited, and can't wait to get to know the high schoolers and let the Lord use me in whatever capacity He will. This is an answer to prayer, and a huge blessing for me. Yay!!

Another Birthday

Well, another year of my life has begun. This birthday wasn't nearly as introspective for me as the last, and I'm hoping that's a sign of maturity in my relationship with the Lord. I've learned a lot over the past year, and many changes have taken place. God has blessed me with a great new job, and I've spent more time developing friendships (though I do need to work on this one more). I can't wait to see what He has in store for me this year!

Elissa planned an awesome evening a couple weeks ago to celebrate. We got pedicures, had a gourmet dinner prepared by Adam and Elissa, and then went out to Pix for dessert.

Mom and I took a four day trip down to Southern California to goof off, visit my aunt, and do the tourist thing. The highlights were definitely getting to spend some time with my aunt (dad's sister) who I rarely see, and also taking a tour of the Warner Bros studio. Here are some pictures (yes, I did remember my camera!):

Mom and me having lunch at Laguna Beach

My aunt and me at the Montage Resort in Laguna

Mom on Venice Beach (crazy hippie place!!)


The first crosswalk signal in Stars Hollow in front of Luke's (Gilmore Girls fans, anyone?)

Recognize this place? Central Perk, on the set of Friends!!

Rodeo Drive. Do people really pay $10,000 for a pair of shoes??!

It was a really fun trip, and I wish we had more time to venture down to San Diego and maybe check out the California Adventure at Disneyland. Maybe next time...

What's Wrong With This Picture?

(Besides the toolbar accidentally left in the shot on the bottom...) My dad e-mailed this picture to me at work yesterday. It's pretty much been doing this all week long. Apparently the weather didn't get the memo about it now being Spring?! It's actually snowing as I write this, and the temperature is dropping steadily down to the low-mid 30's. Happy Spring Break, kids! :)

New Picture

Yay! Thanks to Jared and his amazing photo skills, I finally have a current profile picture!! So, for anyone who was thinking I was still a 17 year old cheerleader... sorry. Haha!

I don't have much time to write tonight. In between checking e-mail, baking Nannie's famous bran muffins, and getting ready to start a movie with mom. Life is good, though. Still enjoying my job and the freedom in my schedule it gives me. Along those lines, if you might pray that the Lord would give me direction and discernment regarding what He might have me do with the extra time He's blessed me with. I started helping out with Young Life a few months ago, but I'm sort of feeling a calling in a slightly different direction. It will be a hard decision, whatever it is I'm called to do.

Hope everyone out there in Blogland is safe, happy, and healthy. Oh, and don't forget to update your blogs! (That means you, Adam and Beka!) :)

Blessings,
Brice

Outflow

I thought for sure I had written something in January... guess not! Isn't it funny how sometimes with the dawning of a new year you can be absolutely expectant of change? It doesn't really matter if you have big plans or if there is a big event in the coming year, there's just something about the month of January that's invigorating and motivating. I don't know. Is it just me?

I wouldn't really say anything massive has happened thus far in 2008 in my life, but I still can't seem to put out of my mind the idea that something big is right around the corner. I don't have the slightest clue what it might be, though. I know a few things I'd like it to be... :) In reality, it's cool that God knows and I don't, cause that way I can't get my hopes up for anything in particular. I don't generally like surprises, but when it's the Lord who's surprising me at least I can be sure of one thing: it will be something good, even if not at first appearance.

Moving on... want to know what the Lord has been speaking to my heart? It seems to be the same thing over and over, everywhere I look, and that is this: Just as important as being fed and built up in the Word is having an outflow - a way for Him to use me in this world as a vessel for His love. Fascinating, eh? I mean, I keep asking, "God, are you sure you want to use me? Cause I'm pretty small and insignificant, and oh so covered in the dirt of this earth. Can I really be of any good where You're concerned?" It's really funny, because His answer is something I wouldn't expect. I'd think He would find some way to build me up in confidence or show me how great I can be if I trust Him. But no, that's not what He does. He allows me to mumble and stumble and trip over myself (sometimes literally) and be totally embarrassed and humbled in one way or another. Then, when I'm chiding myself mentally for being an idiot, He fills my heart with unexplainable peace and wraps those huge, strong arms of His around me and reminds me that when I am weak, He is strong. And that's all that matters, period. So He'll use me however He wants, and it's not up to me to be great. Whew, that's a relief! All I have to do is be willing, and to take steps (yes, baby steps usually, even though they feel like ginormous leaps) of faith where He leads me.

I leave you with a verse my friend Heidi and I discussed recently, and that is 1 Samuel 16:7 "The Lord doesn't make decisions the way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at a person's thoughts and intentions."

Why?

I don't know if you heard about the road rage shooting near Zig Zag, OR last night, but the two men who were shot are my mom's co-worker's friends. Apparently some crazed man tailgated two men and their 9 year old sons while on their way home from a snowboarding trip on Mt. Hood. The man followed extremely close behind the van, even throughout a stretch of a passing lane. Finally, the van pulled over to allow the car to pass, but the car pulled over behind the van. The two men got out of the van, not wanting the tailgater to get close to their sons in the van. The man then pulled out a gun and shot both men, hitting one in the arm and the other three times in the stomach. The men ran back to the van, and the shooter got in his car and took off. His identity and whereabouts are still unknown.

I can't understand this at all. Why, Lord? How much longer can we live here like this? How much worse will it get? I'm afraid even to ask. We're killing each other, thrown into a fit of rage so strong we're willing to attempt to take another's life simply because he's not driving as fast as we'd like him to. It's just insane! Jesus, we need You so badly. I pray not only for the recovery of the men who were shot and for their families and the young boys who had to witness such hatred, but I pray for the shooter, Lord. We may not know who or where he is right now, but You do. And more importantly, You know the state of his soul that he could be driven to such an act. Father, would You bring him to his knees before You and love him the way only You are capable of? I pray that man would cry out for You, broken in spirit that he might be restored unto You and repent of the evil he has allowed into himself.

Jesus, come soon. My heart breaks for this world and what is becoming of it and of us.

In The Moment...

I'm still working on being better about listening to the Lord and obeying without question, but now I have a whole new area of focus to deal with. I always thought I was pretty good at controlling myself in the heat of a moment, but last night something happened that made me think twice about that...

I drove downtown right after work to meet my mom. We did some shopping and walked around, and then were ready to leave. I finally found my car in the parking garage (those things are ridiculous to navigate!) and realized that there was a car parked directly perpendicular to the back of mine, completely blocking me in. We're talking a foot from my rear bumper, sitting there in the middle of the garage where people drive around in circles looking for an open spot. At first I figured someone had just left it there for a minute for some reason, but after waiting in my car with the lights and ignition on for much longer than a minute, I realized this car was not going anywhere any time soon. I called the number on the back of my garage ticket, and after several minutes of trying to decipher what on earth the guy was saying to me (um, let's just say English was not his first language...) I figured out he was telling me I wasn't supposed to be parked on the 5th floor after 4:30pm. I almost lost it at that point.

Let's back up. When I arrived at the garage at exactly 4:26pm, a man wearing a "Smart Park" jacket was standing at the entrance informing all cars that we were to park on level 5 or above, as they were trying to save spaces for an event that night at Macy's. Obediently I drove through virtually empty levels 1-4, and found one of the only empty spaces on level 5 to park. Now this guy is trying to tell me I should have parked on some different level? The nerve! Okay, so the man tells me (I think this is what he tells me, anyway) that he will call security and have the car moved.

About 20 minutes later, my mom (who has been informed of the situation and parallel parked just outside the garage to wait for me) arrives at my car and tells me she found out that the car parked behind me was parked there by a valet service. WHAT?! Why was I specifically told to park on a level that was planned for valet? And why didn't the guy I called earlier just tell me the situation, rather than saying he would call security? We finally tracked down the valet service and the key to the car, and a nice boy moved it out of my way so I could go home. Oh, but it's not over yet...

When I get to the booth at the entrance of the garage and hand him my ticket, I am prepared when he leans out to tell me I owe him money. After all, I have been in his garage for 2 hours and 45 minutes by this point, and I only have validation for 2 hours of that time. I calmly explain my situation, and that I will not be paying for the extra time I was stuck in the garage at the fault of Smart Park and its valet service. He argues with me until the guy behind my car sticks his head out the window and screams at the guy to let me go.

As I pull away from the garage onto 4th Ave, I do not feel a sense of satisfaction. I feel crummy and low. I wasn't mean to anyone involved, and I don't think I did anything to upset anyone. However, I wasn't very kind or gracious or loving either. You know, the things Jesus modeled during His 33 years on earth as others jeered at and spit on and beat up and humiliated him.

Nothing I deserve. Nothing I've earned. I am saved by His mercy and grace alone. When I feel that I am treated unfairly, it is rightfully so, as how often in my life have I mistreated another? How often have I taken out a nail and driven it through my Savior on the cross of Calvary? When I am mistreated by another, it is not my job to obtain justice. It is my job to pay that person back with abundant love. Boy, do I have a long way to go. Thank the Lord, He remains faithful and loving and kind. His mercies are new every morning, and He casts my sins to the depths of the sea. How I long to be filled even more with His Spirit, that my own ways would fall away and I would begin to see more clearly through His eyes and love with His heart.

"It is God who saved us and chose us to live a holy life. He did this not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan long before the world began - to show his love and kindness to us through Christ Jesus." -2 Timothy 1:9

Still, small voice

Lately I have been trying to pay extra close attention to what the Lord is speaking to my heart. I know He is always speaking, but most often I think I already know what I'm doing or what the answer is, or I'm too distracted to hear His voice. So I've been really trying to tune in. Not only that, but I've been trying to obey without hesitation, even when my first instinct is "WHAT?! You want me to do... what???" Now, don't go thinking I'm suddenly Ms. Obedient-and-Spiritually-Superior or whatever. Ha! Not even close. I'm just doing what I can to make more of an effort where I know I was previously lacking.

So, no I haven't really done anything radical. But... I know the Lord has and is and will. When we give just an inch, He runs with it and stretches that inch into a mile, maybe more. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do, even though I know I may not truly see the results until I'm looking at them from His perspective.

I've been reading through 1 Thessalonians and also Jon Courson's book "A Future and a Hope." Wow, definitely inspiring/convicting/comforting! The Lord is really using these words to speak to me and open my eyes. I always get so excited when God lets me see something in a new light or shows me something for the first time. It's like falling in love with Him all over again. Our God truly is a good God.

And with that, I'm off to Bible study. May the Lord truly bless you, and open your eyes to a new Truth or promise even today.

Oops

Okay, so I realize that a month ago it was my resolution to write in here more... yeah, that was a month ago and I haven't written anything since. My bad. Mr. Koller (of the Mr. and Mrs. Adam Kollers) kindly reminded me to please update (okay, so actually there were some threats involved). Well, you asked....

My life since my last update = work. I don't mean that to sound negative, because truly I do like my job. To be honest, that is a skewed statement (that my life has = work) based on the fact that this past week or two has been more than hectic. I work on a 7 person team, and there are currently 4 of us actually working. Two are out on vacation, and one just started and isn't up to speed yet (one was just promoted, so the new person is taking his place). I have been going in early and staying late every day, but I think I might actually be making progress. Maybe. Anyway, really and truly I like my job. I just can't wait until things settle down a bit.

This week has been hilarious because the head honcho people are all here from headquarters. So, normally we operate on a sort of "business casual" standard where there is a fine line between what we can get away with and what we can't (dress-code-wise, mainly). This week? Nothing but suits and ties and blazers and pumps (um, for the girls, that is). I have to contain giggles every time one of the powerful people walk by. I'm just so not used to this. I guess I don't see the big deal with people who get paid more than me and tell the rules. Especially since.... I was sitting at my desk trying to continue working and minding my own business when two of the super-duper bosses began a coversation right behind my desk. This was a personal type conversation, mind you. One of them started complaining about something, and the other exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" (again, not in the praise-the-Lord way I would have hoped for) and I couldn't help myself. I think it was involuntary, really. I choked and began a coughing fit that was somehow (strangely) very loud. The weirdest thing is their conversation seemed to end just about that time. Huh.

Anyhow, aside from work I've been reading voraciously as usual and perfecting my Pilates form. If you've never tried Pilates, I highly recommend it. It doesn't seem that hard while you're doing it, but the next day you're sore where you didn't know you could be. It's great.

Well, that's my boring update. I'll try to do something more exciting between now and the next time I write. Sabastian has a vet appointment coming up soon, maybe something neat will happen there. Other than drooling and shedding and crying (him, not me).

Oh, before I close I should share what the Lord has been showing me. Basically, He is reminding me time and again how precious His children are to Him, and that He wants to be our strength in this life that we may be filled with his perfect peace and unite one with another in brotherly love. It's a good reminder, and when you really focus on it through every situation you see how difficult it is to let go, but also how wonderful it is when you do.

Okay, that's all.

My Family

Hello out there in blog-land! Sorry I haven't been very good about updating this month. It's kind of funny how the allure of blogging has sort of worn off since about 3/4 of my job is writing things in a computer journal. But... I really do need to write in here more often, as it's a great way to get things out of my mind and onto the "page."

So, why don't I just jump right into it? My family has really been on my heart lately, more than usual. There's just a lot going on. I don't want to get too specific or personal, but I've been spending a lot of time trying not to worry, but trying to let God be in control. It's hard to let go sometimes, though, knowing that my family doesn't talk to the Lord, let alone give their problems up to Him. But then, who am I to try to fix things?

I will go into detail on just one specific issue, which is my mom's father. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease just a few months ago, and it's astonishing how quickly he's deteriorating. In that short time we've moved him up a floor in his retirement home where he was able to receive greater care from the nursing staff. This weekend we're moving him down the street to an Alzheimer's care facility. It's breaking my mom's heart, and completely overwhelming and consuming all of her time and energy. She comes home every night totally exhausted, and then stays up late trying to catch up on things. She's trying to be super-mom/daughter/wife/employee, when she really just needs to surrender to the Lord.

Anyway, sorry for the downer post. Here, let me try to put the positive spin on it... Everyone needs to be broken before they can be lifted up and healed and made whole. Though it's difficult to see my family hurting right now, I will trust that the Lord has a perfect plan in all of this. I know that He is the One who can bring us true peace and joy, and I will wait expectantly for the day when my family cries out to Him and surrenders to His perfect love. Now that, my friends, is what I call a happy ending. Can't wait! :)

Where did July go?

I realize how cliche this is to say, but I can't believe it's already August! Last month was such a whirlwind what with changing jobs and spending two weeks in California. It's funny how seeing all the "back to school" things in stores still gives me that mix of excitement, anticipation, and nerves. I haven't been in school for a while now, so you'd think those feelings would have passed by now. Maybe it's one of those things that never changes no matter how old you get. I am enjoying the summer weather and relaxed atmosphere, but the anticipation of fall and then the holiday season always fills me with wonder and child-like joy. Life is good, isn't it?

My trip to California was... how do I finish this sentence? First of all, thank you to anyone who read any of my previous posts and prayed even once for the things I listed. That 21-year old co-worker definitely tested my last nerve (and let me tell you, I wasn't alone in that!). There were 9 of us there for training, four from my office and the rest from various parts of California. Several of us went to Universal Studios on Saturday, which was just about as fun as the first time I went as a child. But the best part of my trip by far was going to church on Sunday. It wasn't a particularly moving sermon. The place had the AC cranked to at least 60 degrees (and let me tell you, I'm not particularly warm-blooded). There were probably only about 20 people there, if that. But... I was in the house of the Lord in the company of His children and in the presence of His Majesty. I was moved to tears not two minutes into worship that morning. I hadn't realized how "in the world" I had been even that first week there. Sure, I still did my morning devotions and spent time in prayer. But I was sharing a car with at least two other people, who always over-ruled me on music choices (I had no idea what is being allowed on the radio these days, passing for music!). Anyway, rather than tell you about all that was NOT good, I'd prefer to focus on what was. Walking into that tiny chapel off a dusty road in Ontario, I was overcome with a sense of peace. The Lord did a great work on my soul, reminding me how completely blessed I am with the fellowship I have and the leaders that teach me. I am so thankful for that little wake-up call, and I am really going to focus on not taking what I have for granted. This world has so much to throw in our faces as Christians, mocking us and tempting us and offending us until we're red in the face. But God has surrounded me and sheltered me from the storm, and I need to be thankful for that every single day. So really, that's what I learned after two weeks of training for my new job. :)

I hope anyone reading this knows how blessed you are. Count your blessings - write them down and read them later. God is real and He is mighty, and He is working in your life right now, whether you realize it or not. Look for Him, and I guarantee you'll find Him with a giant grin on His face and arms open wide, shining so brightly that the path from you to Him will be clearer than day.

Oh, so that's what a weekend is!

I feel like I'm cheating. I get off work at 3:45, and I only have to work Monday through Friday. I get two days off... in a row! It's unbelieveable. A major blessing. And besides that, I really do like what I'm doing. Granted, I'm still learning right now. My boss is pretty great, and she's really encouraging (when she's not teasing me or cracking herself up with weird New York accents). Today she gave me this pep talk, telling me she's so excited that I've come so far in only two weeks, yada yada... It really does mean a lot when your boss/manager/supervisor remembers to say positive things. I know it can be so easy to take the achievements of others for granted, but they'll probably burn out fast if you don't remember to say "thank you" and "great job."

I leave Sunday afternoon for Southern California for two weeks. I'll be training with several other new hires. It's supposed to be so hot that they officially changed our dress requirements to "business casual" (whoo hoo!). I'm pretty excited, but that is a long time to be gone. I'll definitely miss church, and am super bummed that I'll have to miss Tyler and Lindsey's wedding :( Adam, I hope you'll be there, video camera in hand!

I know I already asked for prayer regarding the 21 year old I started with, but I'd like to ask for your continued prayers in that matter. Her foul mouth and prideful attitude are really starting to get under my skin. Today she started bad-mouthing Mormons (quite loudly) in the breakroom, and one of our co-workers confronted her about it. Turns out, you guessed it, he's Mormon. I felt bad for the whole situation, but secretly hoped it might help to simmer her down a bit. I'll give her a little credit, though. Yesterday she blurted out "Jesus Christ" (only probably not in the worshipful way I might have hoped) and then turned to me and asked, "Does that offend you?" When I affirmed that it does offend me, she said she'd never say it again. I told her it was just fine to speak of His name, just please not in that context. :) Le Sigh.

Not wanting to end on a sour note, I'll tell you what I plan to do with my upcoming weekend in SoCal... We'll definitely be cruising the streets of LA (you know, Rodeo Drive, the Walk of Fame, etc) searching for famous people I most definitely won't recognize (I could seriously run smack dab into Britney Spears and not know who she was). Another big event is the trip to Ikea, since we'll be missing the Oregon store's grand opening. Beyond that I'd really like to visit Universal Studios, but I'll have to convince everyone else of that first.

I probably won't have much access to blogs and that sort of thing while I'm down there, so I'll try my best to keep in touch. May your days be blessed and fruitful!

The Job

First off, I can't believe I no longer work for Starbucks. Seriously. Maybe when I go back there and hand in my keys and aprons it will seem real? I was supposed to do that today, but forgot to grab them in my anxious frenzy heading out the door for my first day at the new job...

I panicked for at least a week over what to wear. I had been to the office twice already, but never quite got a feel for what sort of dress code the other women were adhearing to. Some wore full-on suits, while others wore frumpy getups reminiscent of the librarian of the 1980s. So, logically, I bought two suits, a few pairs of pants, some blouses, and a couple of basic button-up tops. Okay, maybe I overdid it a bit in my excited "I love shopping and I can finally afford to" state of mind. But I swear I'm done. For now. *cough*

Once I had the perfect outfit picked out for my first day, I promptly changed my mind. Then, when I really had the perfect outfit, I worried over whether to pack a lunch or just bring money. I didn't want to be the weird kid with the lunch pail full of yogurt and PB&J. No one would want to sit by me in the lunchroom! I decided it was best to just bring some cash and hope to get to know a fellow co-worker over lunch out. Next, I deliberated over bringing my personal planner. I've got the big pretty bubbly spiral-bound number they sell at Borders every year. It's so cute - and functional! But, not business savvy, I'm afraid. I just prayed they'd have some paper and a pen for me to use if there was anything that required note-taking.

I was finally ready to go, and in the car on the road at 8:10, leaving me plenty of time to get to the office for my 9:00 start time. Hmm, no traffic. I arrived at the closest Starbucks at 8:25. Ick, why did I actually pay for that? I took about three sips, and watered the plants with the rest. Poor plants.

Once I was safely assigned to my team, got my desk and computer station set up, and figured out how to use all my passwords and security badge, the day was wonderful! My boss seems really great, and I felt very welcomed by my team. Yay! I can't wait to learn how to use my computer with its fancy double screen and multi-faceted software programs. Ooh, and tomorrow I get my "ergo eval" so my workstation is adjusted perfectly to little old (and I use that term very loosely) me.

If I could ask for your prayers, however, I am starting this job with another woman who just turned 21 and is a little too excited about our trip to California and the bars. Eek. I will need the Lord to cover my relationship with this woman, personally and professionally, and the two weeks we will spend together in California (likely as roommates) for training later this month.

That's all I can really think to write right now. There's so much more, but honestly I don't want to look at a computer screen any longer at this point. My eyes are bugging out of their sockets. Yeowch. I've gotta learn to get used to this, I guess.

I hope y'all are happy and well and totally blessed! Don't forget to wear sunscreen if you dare to venture outside in tomorrow's estimated 100-degree weather. Blech. I hope you all have AC or at least really large fans.

Ce-le-brate good times, come on!

I got the job!!!!!