Bittersweet Sunset

When someone you dearly love is in pain, all you can hope and pray for is that the pain would end. When Jesus waits 'til the other side of Heaven to answer that prayer, even when you're expecting it that way, it's never easy for those left behind.

My Grandma passed away this week. I had been praying daily that her suffering would cease and that Jesus would meet her where she was and lead her to Paradise with Him. I prayed that prayer only hours before I heard the news. Even still, it didn't take away the sadness or the sense of loss. Despite the relief I feel for the end of a season of suffering, I grieve with my family for the passing of a dearly beloved woman.

I will always treasure the memories I have of spending time with my Grandparents. Riding in Grandpa's pickup, squished between the gear shifter and my older brother. The shocked look on Grandma's face when I dumped the entire cup of brown sugar on my oatmeal - the sugar she had meant for all of us to share. Eating fresh peas in Grandpa's garden. The smell of leather and spearmint gum in Grandma's car. I'm sure a million other memories will be dusted off and sifted through as my family and I spend time working our way through Grandma and Grandpa's house over the next few weeks.

For now, I take comfort in the arms of my Savior and friend. I am reminded that He is with me, even to the ends of the earth, and that His thoughts about me are precious. As much as I loved my Grandparents, the Lord loves them with an even greater kind of love than we can ever know. So, as much as I pray that they are in Paradise with Him today, I can trust that Jesus pulled out ALL the stops to ensure their salvation before their passing. I look forward to seeing those in my family who've passed before me, again one day.

Beauty

Today at church I met a woman named Ann. It was one of those times Pastor Brett asks us all to "say hi to 20 or 30 people, and then you can be seated," and we all look nervously around for a few hands to dutifully shake before the sermon begins. When I turned around and made eye contact with Ann, I was awestruck with the look I saw in her eyes. She's one of those women who just exudes the love and presence of the Lord, just in her very being. Her eyes sparkle and her smile makes you feel warm. I know, sounds silly and cliche, right? But this is the kind of person who created the cliche in the first place. We introduced ourselves and shook hands, and her smile and shining eyes held just a few moments longer than you usually expect when meeting a total stranger, even at church. After the sermon, when I stood up to leave, she touched my shoulder and smiled again and told me to have a wonderful day. She remembered my name, and I, hers. We chatted about how she is visiting from Philadelphia and will be staying through the end of the month. It's funny because nothing extraordinary was said during our brief conversation, though I walked away feeling completely blessed and better for having met Ann. I pray God will continue to live and grow in me, that one day someone may see Him so evidently and tangibly as I did today.

Realizing my Lack of Trust

Today has been sort of rough. It started out just fine, as I woke up to sunshine and blue skies. I laid in bed for a while and just thought about the blessings in my life, thanking God for all He has done in, through, and for me. Then I started to think about what I needed to get done today, and formulating a list for myself. I got up, let the cat in, and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my Bible and settled in for a little while to see what the Lord might want to show me first thing. I’ve just finished Joshua, and am not quite sure which book to choose next for my devotional reading. I decided to fall back on my old standby, Proverbs. Today is the 31st of January, so I began to leaf through the well-worn (well-loved, I like to think) pages of my trusty New Living Translation. My eyes fell upon the numbers “31” and I began to read. Hmm, this seems different than usual, I thought to myself. My eyes flicked to the top of the page, and I realized I’d stopped one book short of Proverbs and I was actually reading Psalm chapter 31. I started to turn the page to move into the book I had intended to read, but then thought twice about that. You see, the words I had read in just the first verse really drew me in. I don’t have to read Proverbs, I thought. So, against tradition, my eyes fell back upon the 31st chapter of the Psalms and I continued reading. This is a Psalm of rescue, reconciliation, and rest. Certainly three things I am thankful for, and could always use a reminder about.

Fast forward a few hours into my day, past breakfast, a quick cleaning spree, and getting ready for my day. I had printed out a recipe for a new soup I’ve been wanting to try and was all set to start cooking, when an obnoxious racquet begins pulsating through the walls of the house. What on earth?! I opened my door to confirm my suspicions, and was instantly met with a pounding bass line, irritating electronically-created sounds, and the strained vocals of none other than Britney Spears. Okay, now understand that the only person supposedly in the house at the time is my 57 year old father. My first terrified thought was that someone had broken in and, assuming no one was home, decided to crank up the stereo as he (or she) happily loaded all of our earthly possessions into a van parked out front. A quick peek out the window dispelled that theory. No van. I cautiously crept down the stairs, the offending “music” (can you call it that?) growing ever louder as I made my way closer to the source – the protesting speakers. Now, being the street-wise, um, country girl that I am… Scratch that. Okay, so I brought my laundry basket down with me for protection. Hey, it was full of dirty towels! I could have thrown one on the intruder’s head, temporarily blinding him as I threw the basket into his stomach and stomped on his feet… right? As I fantasized about such illogical means of self-defense, I was blindsided by a white object flying at me from the left! It was… a towel.

My dad, seeing my laundry basket and an opportunity for convenience, tossed his towel into my basket as he walked by, whistling along with Britney. You guessed it. No van, no intruder, and no need for an elaborate and brilliantly-executed plan of defense, a la Home Alone.

“What are you listening to?” I quizzically asked my dad.

“Huh?” he shouted back.

“WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!” I attempted again, not quite completely drown-out by a Jamaican-sounding man and a reggae beat. My dad just smiled, turned the corner, and resumed his whistling. Completely dumfounded, I proceeded to the laundry room to wash my sheets. And my dad’s towel.

After the initial shock of this very strange revelation began to wear off, the realization that the walls in my bedroom are not nearly thick enough started to set in. I put the clean sheets back on my bed, fluffed the pillows, and pulled up my laptop to check on a few things. Turning on my own music did no good, as it simply competed with what was playing downstairs and produced wretchedly clashing rhythms. I really wanted to get started on that soup, but how was I supposed to get in the cooking mood when the whole house was coursing with the lusty sounds of popsters urging me to shake one thing or another? All that was missing was a black light, a bartender, and hundreds of sweaty, oversexed 20-somethings. I was quickly brought back to a time in my life I am not proud of, and wish not to reflect upon. Don’t get me wrong, God and I have sorted through all of these things, and forgiveness and even redemption have taken place as a result. But I am merely human and, unfortunately, as such have the kind of memory that doesn’t mercifully reset itself at the foot of the cross. This is not to say I was suddenly thrown back into that place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. No, nothing that severe. Just that my attitude began to slip from the morning’s high of sunshine and time spent with my Savior.

I needed to get out. Well, one of the things on today’s list was to wash my car. After all, it’s completely filthy and I can barely see from the glare of that lovely sunshine filtering through the layers of road grime caked upon my windshield. I happily grabbed my keys, poured a few ounces of carwash soap into a bucket, and lifted the handle of the water faucet to create a nice, warm, sudsy bath for my car. I pushed the handle back down, and lifted it again. I swiveled it side to side. Nothing. Hmm, dad must have shut off the water to the outside faucet for the cold winter months. Okay, no problem. I’d just fill up inside. In the mean time, I decided to connect the hose and pull my car into the driveway. I unscrewed the Styrofoam cover from the hose faucet and turned the nozzle. Again, nothing. With a deep sigh, I decided to search out my hip-hop father for advice on how to turn the water back on.

After thoroughly searching each and every room in the house, twice, I gave up. About that time, mom walked into my room and excitedly explained to my cat that she brought him a treat. Wheat grass, his favorite. Not three minutes after setting the grass on the ground for my cat to devour, I narrowly missed putting my sock-clad foot into a steaming pile of grass-vomit. Yuck. I cleaned up the mess and began packing things to get out of the house ASAP. On my way into the next room to grab my laptop bag, I again had to dodge a slimy green puddle of feline gastric juices. Double yuck. Thanks, mom.

By this point in my day, I’m pretty sure I had a very black cloud hovering just a few feet above my head. As a last-ditch effort to clean my highly neglected car, I thought I’d grab two buckets and do a sort of sponge bath type carwash. I glanced at the counter where I’d left the bucket with the carwash soap, but it wasn’t there.

“Mom, where’s the blue bucket that was right here?”

“Oh, dad’s using it to wash the windows.”

“But I had carwash soap in there.”

“I wonder if he knew that?” I certainly wasn’t going to stick around to find out. I quickly marched across the courtyard to my car, thunderclouds and all.

“How long are you going to be out?” my mom called after me.

“I don’t know. I’ve gotta get out of here. I can’t handle this anymore,” I snapped back, referring to the horrendous music still blaring from the stereo. Mom said something about me possibly running over to take care of my brother’s dog later on, but I was barely listening at that point. I was quite focused on being anywhere but there.

Speaking of my neglected car, I was about 1800 miles overdue to get my tires rotated. I decided to suck it up and drive to Costco to get it taken care of. Once there, I was told the attendant would call me when my car was ready, in 45 minutes to an hour. I spent about 51 minutes amusing myself by browsing aisles filled with things I cannot imagine anyone thinking they need to buy. A sanitizing light wand? Really? My phone finally began to ring, and the helpful man on the other end told me there was no way they could rotate my tires because the back two are completely burned out. My car was pulled up to the curb, and I walked over to check out how bad my tires really were. After all, I just bought them last year. It’s not like I’m Mario Andretti or anything! I mean, aren’t tires supposed to last at least a few years? I looked down, and my rear tires were almost completely flat. Excuse me?

“Um, do you think I could get some air in those? They’re kinda flat,” I sweetly inquired of the attendant with a smile.

“Oh. Sure. Just pull back around.”

After maneuvering around the stampede of SUV’s swerving every which way throughout the parking lot, I made my way back around to the tire shop, where the young man graciously checked and filled my tires. He told me I should really rotate my tires at least every six to eight thousand miles. I bit my tongue and refrained from telling him I had bought these tires no more than eight thousand miles ago and had them rotated four thousand miles ago. C’est la vie, right?

Thunder clouds rumbling, I sped back to the freeway, contemplating the $400 plus I would have to shell out for a new set of tires in the all-too-near future.

Deciding today would inevitably be a total bust anyway, I headed straight for one of my favorite hideouts, Peet’s Coffee & Tea. I commandeered the entire corner with the only known power outlet in the lobby and set up shop.

One pumpkin muffin, one small double-shot vanilla latte, several Bible verses, and many hours later, I am finally returning to the soothing state of mind I experienced at the very beginning of my day. Why, oh why do I allow the minor annoyances of this life to seep through my skin and into my heart and soul? Why is it so difficult for me to cling tightly to what God promises and is so faithful to deliver on? When will I learn to wait on the Lord and allow Him to lift me up on wings like eagles, soaring high above the filth of the world below?

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
Saying, “You are my God!”
My future is in your hands.
-Psalm 31:14-15

8 Things:

Better late than never, right? :) I've been tagged, so I'll play:

8 Favorite TV Shows:
1. Gray's Anatomy
2. What Not to Wear
3. House Hunters
4. Hannah Montana (stop laughing!)
5. Friends reruns
6. Frasier reruns
7. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
8. Divine Design

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. went to Pilates (ouch! today)
2. grabbed some Peet's coffee and a bear claw pastry at Bridgeport
3. bought ingredients for cozy, wintery soup
4. bought Elf and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to inspire holiday feelings
5. bought Casting Crowns, Bebo Norman, and Relient K's Christmas CD's to evoke further feelings of holiday joy
6. baked an apple pie with apples from our tree out back
7. played guitar / sang worship songs and read from Romans
8. ate soup and apple pie, and watched National Lampoon's

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Panera (mmm, bread and soup)
2. Kylo's in Lincoln City
3. Cheesecake Factory (does anyone NOT like this place??)
4. McCormick & Schmick's
5. Bellagio's
6. Pix (cause it's all about dessert!)
7. Portland City Grill (can't beat the view)
8. Starbucks - sorry, gotta throw that in cause I eat there at least three times a week :)

8 Favorite Movies:

1. My Girl (it's a sentimental thing)
2. Ratatouille
3. American Beauty (messed up, but brilliant)
4. Top Gun (oh Tom, what happened to you??)
5. The Italian Job
6. Pride and Prejudice
7. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
8. The Money Pit (makes me laugh no matter what)

8 Favorite Bands/Singers

1. Kutless
2. Phil Wickham
3. Shawn McDonald
4. Thousand Foot Krutch
5. Colbie Callait
6. Falling Up
7. Jeremy Camp
8. Barlow Girl

8 Things on My Wish List:

1. short term mission trips
2. travel the world
3. be a virtuous wife and mother
4. play my guitar daily
5. trust the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength
6. have the faith of a mustard seed
7. see my family accept Jesus
8. write a novel

Who I tag next: anyone who happens to read this and hasn't yet done it! :)

Patience

I'm trying something new today. Sitting at a Starbucks using a laptop. Novel, right? I know, but I'm really technologically challenged so for me it's a new and exciting experience. Actually, what really prompted this adventure was me, sitting there typing a really long e-mail to a friend, only to have my computer completely crash. I've never had that happen, and now I'm beginning to understand the frustration. So I stole Mom's laptop and plopped down at my old Starbucks store and am spending the afternoon researching homes and cars. The first I'm excited about, and the second, not so much. I love my little Miata, and really don't want something new. Sure, at times it'd be really nice to have something larger and newer, maybe with seat warmers. And yeah, it'd bring a sense of comfort to know that if I need to jet out into traffic I could depend on my car to accelerate from a dead stop. All this aside, I love my car and am not looking forward to having to part with it.

I have been relatively comfortable lately, which means it's probably time for another big change. I'm loving being able to commit to things outside of work, and also having time for reading and reflecting. My life is so much more fulfilling now that my job is not my entire life. I just had lunch with a good friend who's struggling with the balance between work and life, and it made me so thankful to have that stress all but totally removed from my life. Sure, there are stressful things at work that I deal with, and on occassion those things follow me home. But truly, at the end of the day I am so thankful to be able to go to the gym, hang out with the high schoolers at The Shed, go to Bible study, or just whatever. And I don't know if I'll ever get used to having my entire weekend free! I've considered getting a second part time job to help save for my house, but right now I don't know if that's what the Lord is calling me to do. It would definitely help with finances, but at what expense to my life in general? I'm thinking about helping some of my mom's co-workers out with childcare a few days a month, but am just waiting on the Lord's direction right now.

God has really been showing me how faithful He is, and reminding me to trust Him in all areas of my life. He is faithful to His promises, and He has amazing plans for me. Philippians chapter 4 has been a huge comfort and reminder to me recently. God totally has things under control, and it would be silly to spend my days worrying about tomorrow.

Long Time no Write

I know, it's been quite a while hasn't it? I guess you could say life has been crazy. But, it's all in the hands of the Lord so I really won't complain.

Okay, back-tracking to Mexico... it was an amazing trip! I feel like I got a chance to connect with some of the girls one-on-one, which is more my thing. I was nervous going with such a large group and not even knowing their names, let alone anything about them. The first night at the High School group gave me a chance to see that these kids really have a heart for God, and that's all I needed to confirm His will that I go on the trip. So, even though it was a little slow going at first, there were several points along the way where I was able to have some awesome conversations with the "kiddos" as Eric Dodson calls them. I still refuse to believe that I am 10 years older than these guys. Where did the time go?? Anyway, Micah put together a sweet little blog with a link to TONS of pictures. If you've been down to the Mission before, you'll really enjoy seeing what it looks like today and how all the kids have grown. http://www.accfhighschool.blogspot.com/

Here are a couple of my own:

Ginger the donkey

At the cross...

Lupe and Karina

The new amphitheater at the Mission

The prayer of all the leaders on the way home was that everyone would keep this experience with them as we all fell back into our daily routines in Oregon. That was the prayer of and for my own heart, as I remember that after my last trip down to the Mission I was severely attacked by the enemy upon my return. I can already feel that happening this time around, but this time I'm prepared for it and can recognize it for what it is. Oh, the enemy is tricky, but my God is at least ten steps ahead.

I realized the other day that everything I think I know can change in an instant. I want to say I'm okay with that, but my nature goes against the notion. At the same time, though, I love the idea that you never really know what God has in store for you. But, if you let Him remain in control you'll never be disappointed. So, I can't wait to see where I go from here!

Answered Prayer

God is so awesome! I don't want to jump ahead of myself, but I have a really strong feeling that He has been preparing me for this new adventure for quite a while now... I'm helping out with the Athey Creek high school group!! This is terrifying and exciting all at once, and I can't wait to see where it leads. I have a few short weeks to get to know people, and then we're off to The Mission in Mexico! When the offer was thrown my way to help out with the trip, I thought the answer would probably be yes, but wasn't sure. I prayed about it and have gotten confirmation after confirmation from God. The final answer came tonight at The Shed. I was thinking back to the college group trip we took to The Mission in 2004 and the day we were packing up to go home. I was giving one of the full time staff a hug and saying we'd miss everyone, and her words were, "You'll be back." In my mind I didn't see much chance of that happening, but here I am, counting down the days until my return! I'm so excited, and can't wait to get to know the high schoolers and let the Lord use me in whatever capacity He will. This is an answer to prayer, and a huge blessing for me. Yay!!